Mini Moment #31: The ten minute habit that keeps your relationship strong – with Tiana Baxter

[: 00:00:04

Brought to you by Timely. Yeah.

[: 00:00:10

[00:00:16] Tiana: ago.

[: 00:00:17

[00:00:22] Samara: And we actually decided that one thing that Tiana is very known for, and, and even as my girl- like, close girlfriend, I would go to for advice, is on relationships, on marriage.

Mm. Specifically, Tiana, has a very, very strong marriage, and a lot of the things that you have, um, imparted on me over time, it sticks with me, you know. Mm-hmm. Especially in this new re- like, in this relationship. And I look back on s- my other relationship, and I think, "Oh, maybe it was because of this, or maybe it's because of that."

But one of the things that you told me that, and we're gonna talk into a few things, but one of the things I remember you saying is, like, you don't discuss your grievances with anyone but each other, and I'm very- The number one rule ... very- Yeah ... I don't in this relationship. Yep. And someone said to me, I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and it's, it's really rung true.

Mm. So to any business owner, I'm gonna also, this is also going into my business as well, is whatever you speak out loud, the devil has- Mm-hmm ... the devil can deal with. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And that can really turn around and bite you in the ass. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And you're not keeping the s- you know- Mm-hmm ... that sanctity of marriage.

And that doesn't mean you can't talk things out with a person that you trust.

[: 00:01:31

[00:01:32] Samara: If, for example, Lee and I were having issues, I could easily come to you and Josh- Mm-hmm ... and I would say, "Can Josh reach out?" And I've got you. Yep. Because I know that you love us as a couple, and it's so safe and sacred.

Yes. And we have the same thing with our pastors in church. Yes. Like, I know what that looks like for me.

[: 00:01:48

[00:01:48] Samara: But it was one of your huge point for me that I learned from you. Yeah. Yeah. And I think this can be in relationships in your business as well with staff.

[: 00:01:56

[00:01:56] Samara: Is things like that, but I would love for you to kind of riff on that because- Yeah

I think you have this really strong marriage, and this is not coming from someone that's like, "I've always had a perfect marriage." This is your second marriage. Oh,

[: 00:02:06

[00:02:07] Samara: Yep. This is your second marriage, and I think that that's even more valuable for me- Yeah ... because you've known what it's looked like in all ways.

Yeah. But I think for business owners and female business owners in this industry, that can be put last.

[: 00:02:19

[00:02:27] Samara: We love you, Josh.

[: 00:02:29

[00:02:38] Samara: Yep.

[: 00:02:38

and therefore it's treated that way. And the number one rule in our mar- well, there's two. There's two. The first one is we do not discuss our marriage with anyone outside of our marriage. Mm. And the reason for that, other than, and for us now, there are, like you said, you could come to us- Mm ... and I'll, I'll speak to that in a moment, but Josh and I have even got to a point now where we do have those people in our life that we could, but we even decided to go further than that and went, "No, we're actually only gonna do that with paid support now."

Mm.

[: 00:03:14

[00:03:15] Tiana: Because then they're completely neutral- Trialed, yeah ... and it's the same person-

[: 00:03:18

[00:03:19] Tiana: that we can both go to. Because they're not gonna buy in to me trying to convince them, 'cause they're a paid professional that knows when someone's doing that. Mm-hmm. And where it can get dangerous is let's say you go to your girlfriend, and I could go to my best friend.

She's amazing, and she would give me good advice, but I also know that depending on her own, and not, I'm not talking about her specifically, but this could be any of your friends- Yes ... their own triggers, their own insecurities- Mm ... their own traumas. That can come into the advice, not meaning to, not meaning to, but just because we're, when we're triggered or activated by something that might've happened in your past, therefore their advice to you when you're in a really vulnerable state, and unfortunately, when we're in a vulnerable state, advice we take on-

[: 00:03:56

[00:03:56] Tiana: Yeah ... as gospel. We take it on as Bible. Mm-hmm. When we really need it, cannot be in your highest interest. Mm. It can also not be in your partner's highest interest. And how this came about was Josh and I, actually, Josh had a coach, and it was a business coach, but that business coach also had an expertise in relationships.

And throughout their process, their conversation started turning from business to relationships, as it does. I coach women in business, and m- Yeah ... most of the time, well, not most the time, but we a- always talk about relationships 'cause who you're married to and who you spend your time with is the most important decision of your life.

Mm-hmm. Exactly right. So naturally, your business won't perform if your relationship's not performing, and so it's a snowball effect. And what ended up happening was Josh was confiding in this coach, because he is a coach, and then when I sort of got wind of what was happening, I was watching the way Josh was then being towards me, and the advice that was given was actually very good advice.

However, the coach only had Josh's perspective. Perspective, yeah. Mm. And then his own stories about what he'd been through with his wife As this is what to go do.

[: 00:04:55

[00:04:56] Tiana: Okay? Mm. Not my perspective on some of the situation Mm. And it caused a massive disconnect between Josh and I.

[: 00:05:02

[00:05:03] Tiana: When we realized that, that was when we made the decision, going forward, absolutely get support.

Don't try and do it on your own. I'm not gonna sit here and say, "Suck it up and don't talk to anyone." That's also really dangerous. Mm. But make sure you both choose people where they can hear both sides- Mm ... to make sure they're giving really sound advice- Mm ... and not adding their own traumas or opinions into it.

Mm. They care about you both. So that's the first one. The second one is, when you fight, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever threaten divorce or leaving.

[: 00:05:31

[00:05:32] Tiana: Yeah. The minute you do that, think of you guys, like, I think of Josh and I like a golden thread- Mm ... the thread's between us. You know, like our children, it's blood- Yeah

whereas that golden thread, I have to choose Josh. Mm. He's not unconditional. There are conditions on our marriage. Absolutely. There are. My children are unconditional. Mm-hmm. But every day I've gotta wake up and choose this man. Mm. And he has to choose me. We have this golden thread. The minute you do that, think of, like, a thread, and then, like, little tears start happening.

Just little

[: 00:05:52

[00:05:54] Tiana: And over time, that disconnect happens because, especially as women and men, but I can only speak, I'm not a man, so I won't speak from his perspective. Soon as we hear that, even though we can go, "Oh, they're just angry," and it's just something we say now, it's like a habitual thing, which I've done in a previous marriage, so I've learnt my lessons.

When it's said to us, and we say it back, as women, our number one- Value is safety, again for men, but not gonna speak for men, is safety and security. So if that's being threatened every single time- That's- ... what are we gonna do?

[: 00:06:20

[00:06:21] Tiana: We're gonna start retreating. We're gonna start having, again, this is where if we're talking from a faith point of view, the enemy will start attack your weakest link, your most dominant thought.

[: 00:06:28

[00:06:29] Tiana: You'll start seeing your partner through a different lens because you're trying to now protect yourself, so the armor goes up. I've done that. My armor goes big and strong, so that way, well, if he says that again, I'm good. Mm. I'm good. I can go out on my own. Yeah. I start scheming, just picturing, you know, what if one day, just what if one day.

The minute you start doing that, that is when it's a very slippery slope.

[: 00:06:48

[00:06:49] Tiana: They are our absolute true foundations as to what we don't do to keep our marriage strong. Mm. And then there are things that we do do to then grow our marriage. Yeah. So we, we operate from defense and offense.

[: 00:06:59

[00:07:01] Tiana: So the fir- the very first one, that was a game changer, and it is so, it was, it's so simple, guys. We have this thing called connection boosters, and they are questions. There are six questions. Morning and night, 10 minutes is all it takes, no kids, no phone, or you have the phone to read the question, but then put your phone down.

Yeah. And you ask each other the same question, and the question will be something like this, "Hey, when this week have you felt like I've really been there to help serve you in something?" Mm. "Or support you in something?" You are not allowed to defend.

[: 00:07:29

[00:07:30] Tiana: The other person's not allowed to attack. It's a conversation.

Mm. So it's not a I'm gonna air my dirty laundry on you. And it might be like, I did that to Josh once, and he said, "You know when we got on the plane, and I had all the bags, and the kids needed all their stuff, and I, I was sitting down and you were sitting down, it was all up the top." Normally, he would get up and do that.

He said, "The way you just got up and went ch, ch, ch, and you got all the kids and you were just, like, moving like a machine and got it all sorted. And I looked over, and they had their iPads, their snacks," this was a couple years ago, they had everything. He's like, "I cannot explain to you how much that meant to me that you just supported that moment while I was trying to fluff around and do everything else."

Mm. Right? And I'm like, that was so, sounds so basic. That sounds so basic. Mm. But that gave me insight into his mind. Yes. So then I'm going, wow, that tiny little thing supported him so much. I'm gonna do more of that

[: 00:08:16

[00:08:19] Tiana: No, and that's what I'm saying, it's so basic. Like, my husband's that guy that I'm not allowed to carry a bag.

Mm. Like, he sees another man walking and the woman's carrying all the bags, he gets really angry. Like, he- he's like- Let her carry the bags ... "Give me the bags." I'm like, "No, no, I look like a lazy cow." Yeah. "Like, give me a bag."

[: 00:08:30

[00:08:34] Tiana: Yeah,

[: 00:08:34

I'm like, "It's a clutch that's this big- Yeah ... and a phone. I can carry it to the car." The car is there. And then still would stand on the other side of me because the road was there. Correct. Yeah. Yeah,

[: 00:08:46

[00:08:47] Samara: So

[: 00:08:47

Mm, yeah. Then at night he might choose the question. What that does is, one, it brings you as a time together where you're connecting without kids, without noise, but the insight into what is happening- Into how someone's

[: 00:09:08

[00:09:09] Tiana: for them that, and then also how you can then be better. And because the way they say it, like I'll even, one of the questions is actually, "Where do you think I have an insecurity about myself that I can improve on that actually isn't real?"

[: 00:09:20

[00:09:22] Tiana: Ask your partner that.

[: 00:09:23

[00:09:25] Tiana: I- I'm happy to send them if you want them as a link in the show notes. Please do that,

[: 00:09:27

[00:09:28] Tiana: Yeah, for everyone. Definitely. 'Cause I'm so happy for- So good ... I will give them to everyone. Like I said, they're basic.

Yeah. We've actually got, like up to, like 47 now. Yeah. But I've just chosen six that I know are quite safe and- Yeah ... easy for people to start on. Because if you haven't done this before, it can feel-

[: 00:09:39

[00:09:42] Tiana: on TikTok. Yeah.

[: 00:09:43

Because it's so insightful.

[: 00:09:48

Yeah. "That's actually a superpower."

[: 00:10:01

[00:10:02] Tiana: And getting them to share how they, the lens they see you through. Mm. And there's been times where Josh has maybe missed that or seen me differently, and he'll be like, "Oh, it's interesting, I can see how my lens of you has changed." Mm. You know? So then it c- holds the person accountable as well.

Yeah. But you're not allowed to defend, you're not allowed to speak back. So that is one thing that we have done for years, and it's interesting, 'cause when we drop it because life happens and we make the excuses and don't hold our standards, it is really interesting how our relationship goes. Mm. We start to get crunchy.

It's like passing ships. You should know, known expectations. And so now we just go that little 10 minute, 10 minutes? Game changer. Mm. Game changer.

[: 00:10:42

[00:10:45] Tiana: what

[: 00:10:45

[00:10:46] Jen: Exactly.

[: 00:10:47

Yeah. It's like it's 10 minutes, and if you can't do it in person, jump on the phone on the way to work. Yeah. Have that connection time. Yes. You know, just give each other whatever that looks like. Lee's gone early in the morning, but I will never, even if something feels a bit sticky, I will never not call him and have s- talk to him in the morning.

Time. Yeah. Because again, I think there's things that we have in our lives that we do automatically, um, grew up with, like that silent treatment thing. Yes. And it makes me feel really anxious, so now I'm really cautious to make sure that I don't give people the silent treatment. That... Yeah. Great. But it took me a long time to go, "Am I doing this to somebody else, and this is how they're feeling?"

So, and I feel anxious when someone does it to me.

[: 00:11:27

[00:11:27] Samara: Yeah. Yeah.

[: 00:11:28

[00:11:31] Samara: Yep.

[: 00:11:31

choose things where you get to speak into each other and speak life over each other- Yeah ... until you have it i- in a habit enough to be able to go into some of the more harder-hitting questions. Yeah,

[: 00:11:48

[00:11:48] Tiana: love. Um, but always start with the positive leaning first, whereas now I'm like, "Give me the hard-hitting ones."

[: 00:11:52

[00:11:53] Jen: It's interesting 'cause when we decided that we were gonna talk about this, you, you said that you speak to, you know, you deal with so many women in business. Mm.

[: 00:12:01

[00:12:02] Jen: And this is one of the big things that you- Huge ... have come up for people all the time.

[: 00:12:05

[00:12:12] Jen: Mm. Yeah, yeah.

[: 00:12:14

Ch- no, not even relationship. It's the most important decision of your life- Mm. Mm ... outside of choosing God. And so if that is not right, like you know you can still get on with it. We can mask.

[: 00:12:35

[00:12:35] Tiana: I can still shop to business. Mm. I can still put on the smile, right? We can all do the thing, but how do we feel on the inside?

Mm.

[: 00:12:42

[00:12:42] Tiana: How's it affecting our children? How's it affecting our partners? Like that's one thing I've become really conscious of lately, is not just how I'm feeling, but how's he feeling. Mm. 'Cause it used to be all about me-

[: 00:12:50

[00:12:50] Tiana: in my own head. Mm-hmm. And so now I'm like, "Oh, wow, like how's he actually feeling in this?"

Mm. So it is massive, and I think putting just little protocols in place. I'm not about seven layers deep. Mm. Like you're never gonna hear me go, "Go seven layers deep together." No.

[: 00:13:02

[00:13:02] Tiana: I actually think some things need to be worked outside of the relationship, not in the relationship.

[: 00:13:06

[00:13:06] Tiana: Some things need to be worked out in the relationship, absolutely, but not everything needs to straight away.

You know, we've been together 10 years now, so pretty much everything's been worked out in the relationship at this point. 'Cause even if I haven't wanted to, it's come up. Mm. You know? And I'll try to not let it come up, and it's come up, because that's what happens over that time when you get to know each other.

But have these little protocols in place that just keep your bond unbreakable. Yeah. And when things do happen, and they do, you know, Josh and I, like I said, don't pedestal us, 'cause we've had things happen. It's how you find your way back to each other, but then how you become, once you know better, you must do better.

Mm. Yes. And so then I go, "Oh, that was crap what just happened. How are we actually gonna do better now?" And not just sweeping it under the rug, but sitting down and going, what are the actions that we need to take? Because you shift your belief to shift your actions. Josh and I, we've come to learn, both ADHD, we shift our actions, we shift our beliefs.

Mm. Yeah, yeah. So most people do the mindset work, then do the action.

[: 00:13:58

[00:13:59] Tiana: Because your beliefs drive your actions. For Josh and I, that works, but we are better off doing the action repetitively to then shift the belief. That forms

[: 00:14:07

[00:14:08] Tiana: Yeah. And the other thing I'll say is we know that, and you know, we talked about before the Victoria's Secrets and the sex and all of that, I'm very passionate about this because I know it's a, it's an absolute fundamental in a, in a marriage, and we've been together 10 years.

I'm also 42, so I can easily sit here and say, "Oh, but it's hormones, and it's this and that." When you have that connection alive, like, I've definitely had moments where I'm like, "Oh, maybe I need to get my hormones tested. I'm not as excited as I used to be." Only small periods of it, but then as soon as I go back to those connection questions, my libido is through the roof 24/7.

[: 00:14:39

[00:14:40] Tiana: It is. And so- Because you're

[: 00:14:41

[00:14:43] Tiana: and I'm like- And like,

[: 00:14:43

[00:14:44] Tiana: yeah, and like- Yeah ... the respect and love from both of us, because I'm like, he's seeing me, and he's- Mm ... been trying from what I'm saying. Like, I said this one thing, and I've now noticed that, and vice versa for him, because women want love, men want respect.

[: 00:14:56

[00:14:56] Tiana: Mm. And just seeing those little changes for us, I'm like, even my doctor was like, "Oh, do you still want to do that blood..." I'm like, "Nah, nah." Like, you might need to tell me the other way. And I, that's why now when I hear people say it, I'm like, I believe hormones are a real thing, so I will never discount it.

Mm. I'm 42, I'm not 50 yet, I'm not menopausal yet. You know, like, or however, how old I'll be when I'm menopausal, who knows? But I do genuinely believe when you look after yourself first- Mm ... and you're confident in who you are, and you've got vitality 'cause you're looking after your water, and your exercise, and your health, and you are staying connected on purpose- Mm

with your partner.

[: 00:15:32

[00:15:34] Tiana: It's great.

[: 00:15:35

[00:15:37] Tiana: Correct. You're different. 'Cause then when there's that intimacy- Yeah ... because really, that intimacy's, you can only have that with your partner. Yeah. Well, you should only be having that with your partner. Yeah. No one else gets that from you.

[: 00:15:43

[00:15:44] Tiana: So it's like the one special thing you two have.

[: 00:15:45

[00:15:46] Tiana: So you have to prioritize it, and there's been, uh, through our relationship where it was absolutely prioritized, and then other times where it wasn't, when I was in building mode, and I was in boss babe mode, and I was in my masculine. And, you know, it would still happen, but it wasn't prioritized.

Yeah. And as soon as I've gone back to prioritizing it over the last couple years, my li- like, it's just our marriage is amazing.

[: 00:16:02

They're building with you. All of it. They're in with you in the end, b- your business is not. Yeah. They're with you in the end. Yeah. And I think, yeah, I think definitely in a second marriage, you're just like, "I get it." And like so many people say

[: 00:16:22

[00:16:22] Samara: now- Well, you've learned

[: 00:16:22

[00:16:23] Samara: right? So many people say to me now, like, "Samara, you just look so good."

I'm like-

[: 00:16:26

[00:16:26] Samara: Tim."

[: 00:16:27

[00:16:27] Samara: You know? Like,

[: 00:16:28

Mm. "What do I need from you?" Mm. I just shift it now. I'm like, "Oh, what does he need? How can I support him?" And so many I know-

[: 00:16:48

[00:16:49] Tiana: I'm aware of so many women hearing that, it can feel like a trigger if they don't feel like they're getting support from their partner. Yeah. But I promise you, if you can change the lens in which you see them, and if you're a faith-driven person, if you have a faith- Be really mindful of the lens you're viewing them with, and whether it's your true heart lens or whether it's a lens that perhaps the enemy's attacking you with.

Mm. Yeah. Because I can see at times where I've started to see even Josh with a different lens that's not who he is, it's not his character. I can see where that's, like, almost an attack- Mm ... coming over. Mm. So I'm like, "No, no, I see you as the man that I chose 10 years ago." Mm. I'm not allowing that to infiltrate.

[: 00:17:26

I love that. And I, and I do, so it's okay. It's like, okay, thanks. Like, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like, you know? It's like- Yeah ... we're just getting to a point where, like, th- this probably is the one relationship that we just need to-

[: 00:17:57

it needs to be loving.

[: 00:18:02

[00:18:03] Samara: Yeah. But I think that, I think you nailed it on the head then, and we're going into a 45-minute podcast. But I think you nailed it on the head then when you said, like, you have to be thinking about them more than what you're thinking about yourself. Themselves, yeah.

Because even the other, on Friday night, I was so exhausted and Alba had two games of touch, and Lee's just super dad and he's like, "I'll take her." And I got up to start getting ready and I was like-

[: 00:18:25

[00:18:26] Samara: how much will you hate me if I don't come? And he was like, "Not at all. Go to, like, get into bed. Get, have a hot shower.

Stay home, read your book." And then when he left, I was like, I can't stay home and read my book. What I'll do is make him a really good dinner for when he gets home. Beautiful. So I was content because I was like, had my movie on in the background. Glass of wine. Was cooking me up something awesome. Yeah. And then when they got home, I got to be like, "I did this for you," and I didn't need to sit down and do nothing.

Yes. But I needed to serve in a different way. Yeah. And I needed to not be out of the house. And he's like, "I don't wanna do that, so I can serve in this way." And I was like, I could do this. Yes. Yeah. But it's thinking about someone, rather than me just going to bed and then him eating Macca's on the way home with Albs.

Yeah. I was like, I could actually do something now to say thank you for him doing that task. Yeah. Like, I think when you start to think about them more than what you think about yourself-

[: 00:19:08

[00:19:08] Samara: it completely changes. It

[: 00:19:09

[00:19:14] Samara: Yes.

[: 00:19:14

[00:19:20] Samara: I think about them nonstop.

[: 00:19:22

[00:19:24] Samara: It was just not in reverse. It's okay.

[: 00:19:28

Yeah. So, and that's, and I know that's how people feel- Yeah ... 'cause I, I have been there as well, right? Yeah. So I'm, I'm so aware as to my words right now. Still just take the actions of thinking about them

[: 00:19:41

[00:19:41] Tiana: Take the actions, not even the, the mind of like, "Oh, I have to now see them like this, this, this, and this and this."

Mm-hmm. "Otherwise my relationship's doomed." No. Take the actions of serving them. Watch what happens. Go first. Mm. Go first. Mm-hmm. Now, if I was talking to men, I'd be telling them to go first. Adam and Eve, right? Mm. Eve ate the apple. Who did God call? Adam, right? Mm. Men need to lead. They need to go first. We know that.

[: 00:19:59

[00:20:00] Samara: Mm.

[: 00:20:00

[00:20:04] Jen: Yeah.

[: 00:20:05

[00:20:10] Jen: Mm.

[: 00:20:10

[00:20:16] Jen: Yeah.

[: 00:20:16

[00:20:17] Jen: Mm.

[: 00:20:17

[00:20:21] Samara: I'm like, "I'm so glad he's around that corner so he can't see me." He's probably listening, going, "Yeah, I could add a few stories there."

[: 00:20:29

[00:20:31] Jen: Amazing. Okay, guys, that's our very large- Slightly, slightly larger-

large moment ... than mini, mini moment. Really hope that helped. But yes, focus on relationships. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[: 00:20:41